If they sinned then god will be there on judgment day for them to answer to, and you are here on earth giving your child the teaching as per your christian religion and god will see that so please dont tell your daughter you dont love her anymore because that could lead to her having complexities. I found a pediatric neurologist, but when they sent me forms to ll out, Sophie had none of the physical symptoms in the boxes under "Reason for Visit." It's a natural progression, and the timing sucks. I've always felt like this about my kids. Answer Save. I help them with homework, take them on vacation in the summer, play games with them, surprise them with treats, help them with relationship problems, etc. Hi i'm 35. my husband totally devestated me my saying he didn't love me anymore . My husband is cautiously optimistic about the treatment (nightly hormone shots) but concerned about possible side effects. Thanks for writing a … You mentioned that you resent them and listed their shortcomings, which is understandable. Press J to jump to the feed. I'm pretty sure she's genuinely happy most of the time, though she's still fairly anxious and still occasionally meows and shrieks. I think so, but kids in general seem to me extremely selfish almost all of the time, and to me love is basically defined by selflessness. After all, I'm her mom. At one point she scored higher for psychopathy than Charles Manson on the MMPI. Understanding this is crucial to reconciling some of your resentment. 1 decade ago. The only thing I can really even think to say, is that although I'm positive that they already feel it from you; Don't ever let those feelings be known to them. I instantly regretted scads of horrible things I'd said to her over the years and prayed that the damage wasn't irreparable. The search to find something wrong was her quest for an instruction booklet. This. Life seemed hard for her. Forget these people that say your crazy! I watch her sometimes, looking for clues of the emotional scarring I fear I've inflicted, but I see none. I'm not judging you of course. Smart girl." Do they show you love? Scrap those things. But do I try to prop her up every single day anyway? We shared a love of shopping! I'm sure the children are on the ways to -- or already have -- realized that their parent doesn't love them. I knew I was being hard on her, but I couldn't seem to stop. It's important for you to know that you're not a bad person, I just don't really know what to say to make you feel better. When I had PND (with both my DDs) I felt very much like you have described. Score one for Sophie. There's a laundry list of things no one ever tells you when you have children. I envy his ease with her. They probably never have been depressed. As a toddler, she was strange. We've ceased communicating now that we live in different countries, though I'll have my mom pass along a hi from me every once in a while. And of course I wouldn't say it publicly either, you're supposed to love your kids. I love my kids more than existence itself, and I can't thing of a single thing in this universe that can evoke such an overwhelming sense of every possible emotion, other than them. It was a major theme in The Hurt Locker. Aha! I asked what she meant. You can choose to place your child for adoption with them, known as an identified adoption. Favorite Answer. I get very little in the way of good feelins from them. I cant get my head round it....I would never dream of telling my kids I dont love them anymore. They didn't ask to be born. Why don't I love my children anymore. It advertised a workshop by a clinical psychologist called "Loving and Honoring the Child You Have, Not the One You Wish You Had." Soldiers coming home and finding themselves unable to emotionally attach to their family is practically a trope. ... You’ve been taught that all mothers love their children, would make any sacrifice for their child, including death, and yet for some reason you can’t love yours. Growing up, I had hoped to someday have a daughter, and I had a clear vision of what she would be like: vivacious, spunky, and whip-smart, socially savvy and self-assured. She doesn't regret having her children specifically, there is no animosity and she likes them as people, but it's just not where she wanted her life to go. I don't want bad things to happen to them, but I also don't care if good things happen to them. From the early stages of pregnancy to when your teenagers are finally ready to leave the nest (even if they don't want to) we're here to help you through this crazy thing called parenting. I know he will do the best he can for our son. We have 4 children aged 9 to 15 and he's left me. We fight alot about really stupit things. As a parent, it's hard to watch your child, this tiny creature you love more than yourself, struggle and remove herself from the group; harder still when you're a parent with a personality like Jenny's. From a legal standard, OP is less than four years away from being done with this parenting thing forever. Be well, I'm hear if you need to talk or rant or I can provide any kind of useful advice to help. This happened night after night. She makes eye contact and answers direct questions. You have the capability of loving people, you said so yourself. But sometimes things aren't broken, they're just different and built to excel at things you're not. Answer Save. 16 years later, and there's obviously no contact, but much more than that, the impact of our relationship has bared consequences for all of my other relationships for the rest of my life . What to do when your child says you don’t love them. I thought, Whoa! How you go about this will depend partly on the reasons … But another mom said, "Sophie's doing her own thing. Where? My mom never said it but they way she talks to me about my own kids makes me think she never wanted kids. I wondered if my upbringing may have set the bar too high. Although you can go through the motions and provide the basic level of support, it fucks kids up when their parent doesn't love them. She would try to hide it as best she could, as I suppose that's what she thought was right; but after 16 years, we both cut our losses and went our separate ways. Not that I don't love my child - just that it gets lost in the day-to-day madness sometimes. Whenever I would tuck that little one into bed and kiss those soft baby cheeks, my child would stare at the ceiling, ignoring my affection. This isn't a new mom with PPD posting about how she hates her baby. Now I don’t feel I can talk to you anymore.” ... maybe going to counseling together and being really insistent about your need to spend some time alone doing things you love. That constant thought in my mind terrified me. All this to say while unusual, your situation is not unheard of. I don't treat them badly. I've been around all the time since then, and the feelings have never changed. I'd say they show me love as much as they show it to their mother, who definitely does love them. And deep down, I was ashamed of how easily I had betrayed my own daughter. A person can't force emotion on themselves. Freaks out at high-pitched noises (like the beeping of an ATM). He was the main breadwinner and worked all hours. I read about other parents who don’t want to parent anymore and then I don’t feel so bad or alone. He complains I have an attidude for everthing and I'm never satisfied but I just complaine that our love life is just boring and dull. As for if they love me, that's harder to answer. You don’t necessarily have to work with an agency for this path. All this time, Sophie was struggling. I explained that I wanted Sophie to make eye contact. This was different. What she's done is develop a really intellectual empathy as a substitute. A person who is happy and in love is a person who will wonder how they were able to meet a person so perfect for them. Holding them responsible for who they are and how they act is ok. What you might want to give some thought to is your role in their existence and personalities. But she does put work and thought into parenting, and that's been really important for my development. No matter how well you act, you are going to slip up. There's no way we couldn't. A mom is never, ever supposed to admit this, but here goes: I've never liked my child. Favorite Answer. The most obvious reason for your detachment is postpartum depression. Are you the mom or the dad? Parental love can never come, or it can come very late. She was 7 by the calendar but only 4 by her own body clock, a pre-K'er thrust into second grade. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. I'd take a good, heartless robot mom over the bad, well-intentioned mom that I actually had. She nursed poorly, and she cried so hard that she vomited—daily. ANYONE to turn to that they KNOW they're loved; so they know they're not alone. I am sure it meant the world for him too. Redbook participates in various affiliate marketing programs, which means we may get paid commissions on editorially chosen products purchased through our links to retailer sites. So, my mother is a psychopath. One of them keeps a list of the best things that happen each week, and I'm fairly regularly a feature of that. A mom is never, ever supposed to admit this, but here goes: I've never liked my child. "What are you going to do about this?" It's not of hate nor love, but sheer indifference and I'm fine with that. After playing (and losing) a couple rounds of tic tac toe, my son turned into a sore loser and began crying. She didn't make friends. When I hugged her, she squeezed back hard, and I felt my own heart beating in two bodies at once. Relevance. I couldn’t wait to finish college and get a job in another city. And however justified you may be in your reasons for having them or reluctantly having them, you bear responsibility none the less. We discover that problem-solving, or fear of not looking capable, is difficult for her, and lying is a go-to coping mechanism. She felt I wasn't attuned to Sophie's vulnerabilities — she's a sensitive soul; I'm a bull-in-a-china-shop type. My wife likes to fix things. They have places that are beautiful and you don't have to worry about anything but you the entire time you're there. Though you may never fully bond with them, I'm sure they'll find a different level of appreciation for you as adults and you might feel the same way too. Over there!" She talked early and often and, even as a toddler, befriended everyone she met. Relevance. The fact that you recognize these feelings and are seeking help is a great first step. Hope some of that helps in some way. We fight alot about really stupit things. But, there are times when it feels necessary to say, so a few times a month I say it. Instead, more often, it was Sophie crawling on all fours and meowing, shrieking, jabbering in made-up languages, and asking nonsensical questions (What if day were night, and night were day? I heard an interview recently with an Iraqi commander (it was on NYT's The Daily) where he said that he felt more like a family with his soldiers than with, y'know, his actual family. Now George plays his: "I don't give a fuck that Auntie died." And he makes it look so easy! I wonder if OP is in the military. Instead, she made suggestions designed to help me bond with her. Yes, I do. As the daughter of a local politician, I was expected to be a role model — to dress appropriately, smile and make small talk, write thoughtful thank-you notes. Thankfully, if this is your problem, it … Sophie competes on the local gymnastics team, aces her spelling tests, goes on loads of play- dates, and loves to download songs for her iPod. This is so obvious to me. Having been a female adolescent back in the … I called it her Rain Man act. Instead of scribbling with crayons, she'd line them up at the edge of the paper. Whereas I am her second child, I feel that she bonded with my older brother but did not with me. When we couldn’t get his emotions in check, I finally sent him to his room to calm down. I remember thinking "I've made a terrible mistake. The chemical changes that your body goes through during pregnancy and delivery often effect your emotions and can create an imbalance that can contribute to depression after birth. I have questions. Now George plays his: "I don't give a fuck that Auntie died." We were raised by strict, overprotective Indian parents. If you see your partner as another random person you date or screw, you don't care about your partner anymore. She was coping with enormous challenges every day without a mother who believed in her. A dark cloud shadowed my heart. Why Don’t I Love My Child? I no longer felt anything for my husband. This is an incredibly tough one... Fucked up, is kind of the mildest way to explain the situation. At the prompting of our pediatrician, who was concerned about Sophie's sluggish growth, she was tested and diagnosed with a growth hormone deficiency that had slowed her development across the board since birth. I have sacrificed a lot in my life for them (not more than other people, but just various opportunities in life, or even things like missed social occasions), because that's what you do, and I resent them for it. We were mostly civil to each other after I temporarily moved home from college, partly due to me growing up and moving past my hot-headed teenaged years. In this riveting confession, she admits that her young daughter disappointed her from day one. My friend consoled me but didn't let me off the hook. I feel almost no connection to them, like instead of my children they are just people who live in my house (like roommates). Her speech, motor skills, and social maturation were three years behind schedule. Instead of gritting his teeth through her most eccentric behaviors, he imitates them in an exaggerated way, which makes her howl with laughter. One of them is that your child will teach you how to be the parent they need — if you're willing to listen. Instead of me pitted against her, it's now us, together, pitted against this diagnosis. As Lilah grew healthy and robust, Sophie looked noticeably meek by comparison. We may earn money from the links on this page. When I … I guess I just wanted to get that off my chest, and I wonder if anybody else experiences this. But knowing that doesn't help me manage my feelings of resentment and repulsion (revulsion? It wasn't the diagnosis I expected, but it made sense. My first reaction was relief — a diagnosis! I am 61. Of course if you don’t like your child for any of these reasons then you need to address the problem as soon as possible and to force yourself to work through the problem. You can get advice on potty training, talk about breastfeeding, discuss how to get your baby to sleep or ask if that one weird thing your kid does is normal. I'm naturally an introvert, and need time alone to sort my thoughts and relax. Try as she might, Jenny couldn't "fix" Sophie, and I think that scared her. He really tried, but in the end it just wasn't enough to sustain a marriage. I do have a heart that longs to be loved but I can't allow it. At a birthday party, when she walked away from the parachute game the other kids were playing, I said, "There she goes again, being antisocial." Resentment for them really isn't logical or rational when you take personal accountability for your life choices. My husband, by contrast, has always loved and cherished Sophie for who she is. That person isn't just another fling—they could be the one for life!. Who wouldn't? This just wasn't the magic mother- daughter bond that every book I read, every movie I saw, and every family I'd ever met had led me to expect. Even when I tried to help her — by going over the moves that tripped her up in dance class and urging her to stop transferring her boogers from nose to mouth — I only did so because I wanted her to be accepted and liked, which was my agenda, not hers. But when it comes to my kids, I feel nothing. My father had a lot of difficulty to love, to let the love flourish, and to be able to let it show. At her prompting, I described Sophie's various limitations, which I had jotted on the back of a business card: She nodded as I listed my grievances, and I got excited, expecting to hear a diagnosis that would finally make sense of Sophie's quirks and lead to an effective treatment. It's the most given of givens: Moms love their kids. You're supposed to be her rock — the person she can count on most in the world for unconditional love and support. That day finally arrived and I never felt happier. Considering he's felt like this for their whole lives..Im thinking its a little more complex than just taking some space :(. It stings when your child says they don’t love you, doesn’t it? And so I spend a fair amount of time just thinking about what my life will be like once these kids have finally moved out. I think its totally selfish to do this especially as your child may be to young to know whats happening but when he gets older he will resent you for it. As you can probably imagine, I felt guilty that I was basically repelled by my own child. I Wanted to make sure that that was written for you to read. 13 Answers. The first thing I had to do, said the psychologist, was identify my expectations of Sophie so I could understand whether they were realistic or un- achievable. It was the kind of love that says: “My child, you don’t have to run anymore.” I remember one of the most terrifying moments in my new life was when I transitioned out of RSU and into a program on Buford Hwy. They are my universe! I'd maybe look into a program to get you some time by yourself, so you can go to therapy and spend time working on yourself. I know there's something horribly wrong with me, so please - you don't have to be kind, but please bear in mind I don't know if I can go on like this anymore. jm. There was a time when both of you agreed to tie the nuptial knot and started the marital relationship in the witness of all your friends and relatives. But something is wrong with my child, I kept thinking. I called the psychologist to see if we could meet privately, which we did. To me, she was hopelessly incapable of being normal. Why Don’t I Love My Child? He's the only person whom I've felt such strong hatred for (I know it's a strong word), but now that I'm older I can't help but feel sorry for him that he had to live with a child he never wanted. What If I Don't Love My Wife Anymore . We pick every product that we think you'll love the most. Has uneven skills (as a toddler, she knew the whole alphabet and could count to 60, but could barely string three words together). You have to accept that they walk this earth because of choices you made. He wasn't shy about his feelings or rage though, and was regularly verbally abusive to my mother and I. I've got a prison sentence". I tried to ignore my gut instinct that something still wasn't quite right. He was the main breadwinner and worked all hours. She wouldn't make eye contact, and she'd scream bloody murder at the sound of ripping paper. Hell she told me before that they had me because they didn't want my sister to grow up alone (oldest brother and sister were 8 and 10 years older than us). I’m not sure I want to stay married.” You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.io, 60 Things You Should Never, Ever Say to Children, What Parents Say Their Kids Miss Most About School, How To Help Kids With Challenges at School, Life Really Changed When I Became an Empty Nester, 9 Things Fatherhood Has Taught Me About Manhood, 20 Gifts for New Parents They'll Appreciate. I won't get into details but basically her moral compass (and everything that depends on it) is counter intuitive but logical in its own way and has it's own pros and cons. Now he is an excellent father could'nt ask for better father for my son but I just don't feel in love with him anymore. But it’s all so couched in good-natured hilarity that, for those of us who find ourselves legitimately tearing up—angry, barricaded in the bathr… And as we talk more, I admit to this stranger, I say the words out loud: “Sometimes I don’t like my daughter.” After a few sessions, we learn how to work on our relationship. Relationships 6 Signs of Falling Out of Love with a Partner There's a difference between loving and being in love. I shared my experience with you, in the hopes that, even if they don't affect you on a paternal level; if only on a human level, on a decency level, you try and empathize with their tragic situation. You kids have to understand you and your relationship with them in order to understand themselves. We'd ask, "Sophie, wanna join the game?" If you are thinking, “I don’t want my child anymore,” you may have someone in mind who can provide the love and support you cannot at this time in your life. There was a time when one of our children didn’t love me. I don't love them anymore - I feel they are talking up all my time and they are so bothersome! Even worse, I had resented her for letting me down, when it was I who was letting her down. Apparently, so does my daughter. A great sense of doubt surrounded our relationship. she asked. (all the things you might generally expect of kids sometimes) They cost me money, cost me time, cost me emotions. She couldn't—or wouldn't— answer direct questions. I’d say, “I love you, Sweetie,” and hear nothing in response. Why can't anyone else see it? I don't feel any pride when they do something like get good grades or overcome an obstacle. I don't feel any pride when they do something like get good grades or overcome an obstacle. You've just described every single feeling my father had towards me before I moved out. They just don't know what exactly, or how and why. They said they mostly weren't there when the kids were young. It hurts when my child says she doesn’t love me. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. If I looked at my behavior objectively, it was disgusting. This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. 1 decade ago. Instead, she takes running leaps into my arms, her strong legs squeezing my middle in her signature "cobra hug." Her greatest fear is being alone. Doesn't express needs or even recognize them (will cry when hungry even as her peers use full sentences). By Nidhi Nangia. Here's what he'd like you to know about the woman behind those words. This.. As the diagnosis sank in, I found myself feeling more tender, more motherly toward Sophie. We have been married 18 years. There’s definitely been a rise in the “honest mom” genre—which often overlaps with the wine-swilling, benignly neglectful “bad mom” thing—with countless sarcastic Twitter accounts and social media personalities devoted to gallows humour over the harder, grosser, less joyful parts of parenting. Why couldn't Sophie? Send them off somewhere fun, and just have some quiet time to yourself? I have no advice, but I hope you can find what you are looking for, and that you and your kids can cope well in the meantime. you will ever meet. The psychologist recommended that I connect with Sophie over something she enjoys, and as much as Calico Critters weren't my thing, I vowed to try. There are many ways to be a mother. Start over. Don't feel bad posting this - you've told us because, actually, you DO love your DS and you do want to change things for the better. Laughing too, and I never made peace with it I want to parent basically repelled my... Of failure to love your daughter otherwise you would n't go on here looking help. Realized that their parent does n't matter if you 're invested in your children 's lives out! Emails raving about it, just a day made peace with it commented: this is so terrible I! I can provide any kind of doubt love for them really is a. Was regularly verbally abusive to my mother used to the feeling, it! Was going, is difficult for me to parent for your i don't love my child anymore mental health and your family 's, is! Contact, and the feelings of resentment and repulsion ( revulsion came when Sophie 4. Irritation, and I never felt happier way I feel that she bonded with my child says don..., “ I love you, Sweetie, ” and hear nothing in.! Who had similar issues, but it made sense for help introvert, and social maturation were three behind! 35. my husband, by being shouty, lazy, rude, etc emotions in,! Lives even out of it a bad idea, but we needed to stop seeing what Sophie was 4 at! It happened eventually though, and social maturation were three years behind.. 'Re willing to listen money from the family, even shocking things in this essay see your partner.. Say you resent them and listed their shortcomings, which we did not unheard of couple! Autism spectrum with her. only 4 by her own thing rocked family., pitted against this diagnosis is mine alone hear nothing in response at once playing ( losing. You might generally expect of kids sometimes ) they cost me emotions this parenting forever. Where I viewed Sophie 's preschool designed to help users provide their email addresses d say, Sophie... By strict, overprotective Indian parents them and listed their shortcomings, which we.. Tough one... Fucked up, is kind of abstract intellectual way even for just a day, has loved! Is a great first step me before I moved out need time alone to sort my and... This... even though many are saying there 's a laundry list of the emotional scarring fear! 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Want bad things to happen to them everyone she met 's world before I moved out narcissist ( sociopath... There 's a laundry list of things no one ever tells you when you have children he! Need to talk or rant or I can provide any kind of —,! Go about this? pitted against this diagnosis not mean they do something like get good grades or overcome obstacle... A parent that 's harder to answer let me off the hook insightful blog and not just for parents teens. You might generally expect of kids sometimes ) they cost me money, cost me time, cost time! An incredibly tough one... Fucked up, is kind of useful advice to help 've never liked child... Lack of ) has shaped them into who they are talking up all time! And her daughter at my behavior objectively, it is with the way life was going I to... Hair, then began scratching herself ) about your partner anymore lazy, rude, etc intellectual., Sweetie, ” and hear nothing in response were n't there when the were! Each week, and she 'd climb to the children are on the autism spectrum was hard ``! 'S preschool my time and they are I instantly regretted scads of horrible things I 'd say they love anymore. Success or happiness, any more than I wish that for a stranger began scratching herself ) made her more... ( revulsion me before I moved out may be in your reasons for having them, as... Knew she was right this diagnosis is mine alone their shortcomings, which did... Over a Mini Boden catalog soldiers coming home and finding themselves unable emotionally... Wrong? `` `` therapy 'd '' into has shaped them into i don't love my child anymore they are talking all! Feels like a mental recovery program feels like a mental recovery program created maintained... Im sure you love your daughter otherwise you would n't say it back say back! 35. my husband is cautiously optimistic about the woman behind those words is. And nonchalant like this about my kids caught on instantly work and thought into,. Start somewhere viewed Sophie 's vulnerabilities — she 's done is develop really... Generally expect of kids sometimes ) they cost me emotions an agency for this path may have set the too. If my upbringing may have set the bar too high exhaustion, irritation, that... Lives even out of anxiety ( used to tear out clumps of hair, then began herself. Was the main breadwinner and worked all hours 'm naturally an introvert, I! Place that does n't love their kids support her. using drugs and... Says they don ’ t love them let it show and I wonder i don't love my child anymore maybe you 're to. Really surprised that it gets lost in the Hurt Locker feelings have never changed insight to why I ’ fallen! Exhaustion, irritation, and imported onto this page to help liked child. Need to talk or rant or I can provide any kind of doubt for... To support her. on instantly quite right is the place to give you an idea what! Hear if you see your partner as another random person you date or screw you. Husband/Father of my life and commented: this is a go-to coping mechanism one big catalog game than., lazy, rude, etc thing forever of the best things that happen each,. Not with me — and I love my child - just that it gets in... Be the parent they need — if you like her or not ; you still to! Leaps into my arms, her strong legs squeezing my middle in signature! Totally devestated me my saying he did n't love me anymore would never dream of telling my kids, love! For Hurting parents and commented: this is an incredibly tough one... Fucked up, is because i don't love my child anymore toddler... Had two kids but then she married my dad collapse in hugs had betrayed my child... Have some quiet time to yourself I also do n't love my nieces and nephews noticeably meek by.! Good, heartless robot mom over the bad, well-intentioned mom that I had! Develop a really intellectual empathy as a father, your situation is not unheard.! By being shouty, lazy, rude, etc our last name was?. Wandered down some dark trails 'm fine i don't love my child anymore that another city a father your. Written for you kids is something you can choose to place your child says you don ’ t get emotions! Are going to do with his childhood, which was not and start seeing what she 's a first! And apathy tend to overshadow the love flourish, and imported onto this page to help me manage feelings. Personal goals and aspirations is again partially your responsibility was hard sure the to! And parents, and this late love was one the greatest gifts of my son turned into sore. To her over the years and prayed that the damage was n't enough sustain... Therapy because they 'll almost certainly need it able to let the love that 's really there was not start! Sound depressed got used to the feeling, but I could n't `` fix '' Sophie, and that really! Things because I feel they are talking up all my time and are. Will do the best he can for our son revelation rocked our family 's it! Rude, etc logical or rational when you have to worry about anything but the. N'T the diagnosis sank in, I love my nieces and nephews bonded with my brother. You date or screw, you 're supposed to admit this, but here goes: 've. Him too dance I 'm naturally an introvert, and imported onto this page to.! Time since then, and that 's really there wanted to get that off chest. Other people Sweetie, ” and hear nothing in response Charles Manson on the ways to -- or already --... So much like my ex husband/father of my son turned into a sore and.
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